“I still love him and I miss him.” Losing the thing you are most sure of and coming out the other side - a story about life, love and loss. A 12-part memoir by Sophie Townsend.

He’s still here all the time. Yet he’s not. And a diary has more in it than expected.
“I’ll feel his absence every day, like a bruise that’s tender to the touch.”
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

12. Moving

“She hates me going into her room”. A pink, strappy, high-heeled shoe causes a big row. The girls are growing up – fast. And now Sophie is crying over a shoe.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

11. The shoe

The washing machine breaks. The bills are mounting. Sophie almost electrocutes herself. And just as it couldn’t get any worse, it’s raining and there’s nowhere for the delivery men to park. Now she is going to be late for her appointment.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

10. Appointment

“You’ll never find anyone if you’re not online.” Sophie is ready to start dating again but finds it’s done differently now. She meets a man who likes her shoes.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

9. Something new

“Mama, I can’t get to you!” There’s unexpected danger on a holiday, when the family is swept out to sea in Byron Bay, Australia. 
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

8. Going under

“His death is nothing like the worst thing. The worst thing is now.” Sophie is struggling after Russell’s death. Everyone is trying to help, but is saying the wrong thing – except one person, who knows what it’s like because his wife has died. 
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

7. Port in the storm

Love, flashes of anger and remembering funny things. It's the first time Sophie has nothing to do except sit since her husband died. And she looks like Jackie Kennedy at JFK’s funeral.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

6. The funeral

“He was covered in flowers and looked so peaceful.” The children put them in his hair and all around him. They stroked his head and kissed him. 
“It was as though he could see Sophie and the girls were surrounded by lots of love. And he was surrounded by love. And perhaps Russell felt it was a safe time to go.”
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

5. The crowded goodbye

“I’m sorry it’s not better news.” A hospital appointment feels like a polite break-up. Sophie and Russell are told nothing more can be done.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service

4. Crashing waves

“Hold on, we think. Hold on.” A photo and a moment captured, trying to cling on, before it all begins. The cancer treatment starts and everyone wants to help.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

3. Family portrait

“Of course you’re crying. You’re very, very frightened.” Sophie had started to convince herself that she had overreacted – but she hadn’t. And now nobody must know.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

2. The secret

“He blows a kiss and now I see it – there’s exhaustion in his eyes. How didn’t I notice it before?”
Sophie and Russell never expected anything bad to happen – not to them. But then he had some blood tests and scans and they started to feel scared. It all begins at a coffee shop in Sydney, Australia.
A Falling Tree production for the BBC World Service.

1. A shadow

“I don’t dream about him for weeks. And then, there he is, woven into my sleep.” 
A story about losing the man you love and going on without him; about raising two girls through grief, being alone and surviving - mostly intact. 
Chapter 1 will be available from 12 October 2020.